Still on the subject of hope

   Because even though I'm tired of hoping, and desperately need something to be happening in my life, I must keep on hoping.  Otherwise, if I decide to give in to despair, well, I may as well jump from some bridge, or stand in front of a fast moving lorry.  But suicide is not my way of dealing with things.  Besides, I believe things are about to change.  At least, I hope, because if all goes well, we may well be lodging an application with the Home Office in the New Year.

   I say if all goes well because for two years now, we have been trying to regularise my situation, but every time we have come close to sorting things out, an obstacle has reared its ugly head and we've had to delay things.  That obstacle ususally has been money.  Or rather the lack of it, and because the Husband is the sole breadwinner, well, you can imagine.  There isn't any benefit money coming through the post, nor do we have any savings to fall back on, so if the Husband gets made redundant, or changes job, that's it.  We are buggered, as they say.  Whoever says such things.

   Anyway, a few months ago, the Husband decided to go into business - much better than working for other people - and we started to have some money come in.  So much so that we were even making plans, but a month ago, Husband fell it, so we are now experiencing the tribulations of being self-employed, which means that I'm now wondering whether we will be delaying things again.  I'm sure the Husband would like to, but my mind is made up: we are going ahead with it.

   I know two grand is a lot of money, especially for people like us, but I don't care.  I'll beg and borrow it if I have to.  I would have said "steal" but I'm a Christian, so I don't steal anymore.  I'm just waiting for the appropriate time to speak again to the Husband about it.  In the middle of this month, I took the decision out of his hands and told him that we would lodge an application in January.  I did that because I knew that if it was left to him, he wouldn't make any decision.  He was actually letting his emotions rule and getting on his soapbox, the way any bona fide Westerner would, by banging on about why he has to pay that much money and wasn't he entitled to marry whom he likes?

   So you must understand why I had to make the decision for him.  Who cares about his rights, especially when said rights are tangled up with the "rights" of someone from one those countries whose people are viewed with suspicion?  You can't be marrying a British citizen for love!  Before you come to our country, you must pay £1,000 as surety bond (or whatever the right term is), show us your bank statements!  We must be satisfied that you can support yourself.

   May I just say that nobody longs to be an illegal immigrant, even those who are illegal immigrants.  And nobody leaves all that is dear to them because of some paltry benefit money.  I don't even know how much money it is.  And just a last point before we get back to me and my application, none of these laws would deter immigration.  Of any sort, but that is the subject of another post.  So back to me and to the Husband's response to my suggestion.

   He said OK, but it was a OK that was said because saying it would guarantee two weeks of reprieve.  But now, we are fast approaching D-day, and I'm a little worried.  Because I know what his answer will be: "I haven't worked in a month."  Or a month and a few weeks as it will be by then.  So we don't have a lot of money.

   But like I've said, I'm either begging or borrowing the money because something must get done, and it must get done this year.  I'm getting old, and I'm at risk of losing my desire to have my life count for something.  Plus, I don't want to end up as one of those Christians who use God as a crutch.  Rather, I still want to be the Christian who has chuztpah because of her relationship with God, and is absolutely certain of what her life here means, and where that life is heading.