I thought my parents were going to call me on Jan 1st. We ususally call one another and wish one another a happy New Year, even if as the years have gone by, the phone calls have proved difficult. At least on my part. But I'm sure on their part as well. It is because I can't tell them when I'll come and see them again. But the phone calls still need to be made, because however hard it is, one must gird one's heart and get on with it.
So I got on with it and called them on Christmas Day with a card I bought the day before, but by New Year's day, I had used up all the credits. Lots of phone calls to be made. So until I'm able to get another card, I'm waiting for their call.
The funny thing with this is that although it is difficult to speak to them, I want to. Lately, I have been wondering if I'll get a phone call one of these days to inform me that one of them has died. I have lost two grandparents this year (last year rather) and I wasn't able to say goodbye. So when their number flashes on my phone, my heart almost stops until I pick up the phone and talk to them for a minute before my heart goes back to normal.
Sometimes, I think that perhaps I should go back. But now, I have the Husband........
Saturday 9 January 2010
Husband has gone over to visit his parents. They only live an hour away from us so he will be spending the night at home, weather conditions permitting. Because it is likely to snow again today. A bloody nuisance, although I thank God for Wellies. Last year, I didn't have any suitable shoes so I petrified to step outside lest I left my neck on some slippery pavement somewhere.
I'm getting sick and tired of the snow though, even if it's been nice having the Husband at home and listening to him working next door. The downside of that is that it had thrown my schedule a little off key. Lunch together, walks that he likes to takes with me, and just spending some time together. The snow has been like a holiday to him. So when he asked me earlier on whether I wanted to come with him to his parents, I said no.
Firstly because with him out, I have the opportunity to update my blog, work on more product development, and I had the bright idea this morning to have a go at writing a play. So I thought it would be good while he is at his parents to start on it without any interruption. Plus I need to do some housework.
The place is a complete mess, but there is no point in doing any housework when the Husband is home. The place soon ends up looking like a bomb site. I have spoken about this to other friends of mine who've said the same thing. So the Husband is not really to blame. It is one of those things.
There is also another reason why I said no to the Husband. First of all, for the duration of our stay there, I will feel that I'm wasting valuable time. Time which could be best used for useful pursuits (cf above paragraph). Second of all, while I will have a wonderful hour with the Husband driving there, at the back of my mind, I will be aware that the fun will come to an end once we park in front of his parents' house.
we will be offered tea, we will talk or rather they will provide us with the latest instalment in the lives of one of his siblings, cousins, etc. We will take our drinks into the living room where the TV will be put on. Perhaps his mother will talk about the bargains at Primark, or at some supermarket, before telling me (or is it asking me? I can never be sure) to come over next time and do my shopping there.
I usually say yes and once or twice, to please her, but to please the Husband even more, I had done it. With no enjoyment. The thing is, I know that she is trying to be like a mother to me, mine being so far away. But as I tell the Husband, my mother wouldn't be so suffocating. Of course, I don't put it in such harsh term but it is the gist of it.
I can't help getting the impression that she would likeme to adopt those past times, but really window-shopping, or shopping for that matter, is not my thing. I can never buy anything for starters, nor can she because her husband, my father-in-law will want detailed accounts, so she does the next best thing: window shopping. But on those occasions when we have talked, deeply (?), I have told her how I would prefer a good magazine to wasting my time thus. But I think there is this need in her to make me accepting of my station: I'm a housewife, so I should be accepting of what the Husband gives me (and the Husband is not stingy, but when one doesn't have a lot of money?) and make do. Besides, one has to have some fun, right? Her reasoning, not mine.
And this is where my thinking, and my mother-in-law's thinking differ. She is the type of person who says "this is my lot, I'd better make do with it", but that is not my thinking. I'm in the business of bettering my life, so I can't afford to squander precious minutes.
I'm getting sick and tired of the snow though, even if it's been nice having the Husband at home and listening to him working next door. The downside of that is that it had thrown my schedule a little off key. Lunch together, walks that he likes to takes with me, and just spending some time together. The snow has been like a holiday to him. So when he asked me earlier on whether I wanted to come with him to his parents, I said no.
Firstly because with him out, I have the opportunity to update my blog, work on more product development, and I had the bright idea this morning to have a go at writing a play. So I thought it would be good while he is at his parents to start on it without any interruption. Plus I need to do some housework.
The place is a complete mess, but there is no point in doing any housework when the Husband is home. The place soon ends up looking like a bomb site. I have spoken about this to other friends of mine who've said the same thing. So the Husband is not really to blame. It is one of those things.
There is also another reason why I said no to the Husband. First of all, for the duration of our stay there, I will feel that I'm wasting valuable time. Time which could be best used for useful pursuits (cf above paragraph). Second of all, while I will have a wonderful hour with the Husband driving there, at the back of my mind, I will be aware that the fun will come to an end once we park in front of his parents' house.
we will be offered tea, we will talk or rather they will provide us with the latest instalment in the lives of one of his siblings, cousins, etc. We will take our drinks into the living room where the TV will be put on. Perhaps his mother will talk about the bargains at Primark, or at some supermarket, before telling me (or is it asking me? I can never be sure) to come over next time and do my shopping there.
I usually say yes and once or twice, to please her, but to please the Husband even more, I had done it. With no enjoyment. The thing is, I know that she is trying to be like a mother to me, mine being so far away. But as I tell the Husband, my mother wouldn't be so suffocating. Of course, I don't put it in such harsh term but it is the gist of it.
I can't help getting the impression that she would likeme to adopt those past times, but really window-shopping, or shopping for that matter, is not my thing. I can never buy anything for starters, nor can she because her husband, my father-in-law will want detailed accounts, so she does the next best thing: window shopping. But on those occasions when we have talked, deeply (?), I have told her how I would prefer a good magazine to wasting my time thus. But I think there is this need in her to make me accepting of my station: I'm a housewife, so I should be accepting of what the Husband gives me (and the Husband is not stingy, but when one doesn't have a lot of money?) and make do. Besides, one has to have some fun, right? Her reasoning, not mine.
And this is where my thinking, and my mother-in-law's thinking differ. She is the type of person who says "this is my lot, I'd better make do with it", but that is not my thinking. I'm in the business of bettering my life, so I can't afford to squander precious minutes.
Wednesday 6 January 2010
When one steps off the treadmill of life
I haven't updated the blog for a few days now, but it is because I have been taking a breather.
It all started on the Sunday after the New Year when the Husband suggested we go to our nearest shopping mall. Not necessarily to shop, unless we found something that we really, really liked - a matter of life and death I'm talking about here. It is a good job that we are not shoppers. Anyway...
To be honest, I initially didn't want to go. I had just got another idea for my business and I wanted to stay home and work on it. And maybe read the paper, time permitting. But I was aware that the Husband was bored, so I said yes to his suggestion and off we went. And what a wonderful time we had! We haven't laughed like we did on that day (and since then) for a long time. The finale was when we went into this wonderful buffet Chinese restaurant (the kind where you order the food, they cook it and bring it to your table) and just ate too much food. Way too much! But it was something we hadn't done in a long time, what with me developing product range for my business, him building up his business, without forgetting the stresses of everyday life. Stresses which played havoc with our sex life (I'm glad to report that all is back to normal now!). They were also making me bite his head off; I'm sure he was wondering if I still loved him, and I was wondering that too, but it was because I was angry with him. Even when we managed to sort out the issue I was angry with him at.
It all started on the Sunday after the New Year when the Husband suggested we go to our nearest shopping mall. Not necessarily to shop, unless we found something that we really, really liked - a matter of life and death I'm talking about here. It is a good job that we are not shoppers. Anyway...
To be honest, I initially didn't want to go. I had just got another idea for my business and I wanted to stay home and work on it. And maybe read the paper, time permitting. But I was aware that the Husband was bored, so I said yes to his suggestion and off we went. And what a wonderful time we had! We haven't laughed like we did on that day (and since then) for a long time. The finale was when we went into this wonderful buffet Chinese restaurant (the kind where you order the food, they cook it and bring it to your table) and just ate too much food. Way too much! But it was something we hadn't done in a long time, what with me developing product range for my business, him building up his business, without forgetting the stresses of everyday life. Stresses which played havoc with our sex life (I'm glad to report that all is back to normal now!). They were also making me bite his head off; I'm sure he was wondering if I still loved him, and I was wondering that too, but it was because I was angry with him. Even when we managed to sort out the issue I was angry with him at.
Friday 1 January 2010
2010
The teenies are here, and while I'm sure I will enjoy them, today is not a day I'm having a blast. In fact, I wish that midnight would soon come so that we can get back to the humdrum of life, and stop holding up one day as the First Day of the rest of our lives.
Perhaps if I was in the motherland, I would be having a different attitude. And maybe that is the reason why I'm feeling down today because I kind of hoped that I would be there today, finally with my family after many years abroad. But I'm still here.
Sometimes, I wonder if there is any point in doing the right thing; I know the right thing would be to go back, but I'm talking about the next best right thing, i.e. not working, or claiming benefits, or abusing the NHS (it is a good job I'm not a sickling!) or doing any of those things illegal immigrants are accused of doing. The reason why I wonder that is because I have a project that I need to get off the ground, but which I can't because of lack of funds. But the Husband tells me to be patient, and not do anything rash, i.e. work. We don't want to make a bad situation worse, do we? So I'm listening to him, but boy, it is hard. Hard to make plans and be unable to do anything about them. I mean what can be done now, I have done. By the way, it is a business I'm trying to set up, so as far as business plans are concerned, I have done them, just to give me a rough idea of how much money I will need. And the skills that need to be had, I've had them. I'm just developping my product range, and waiting.... Waiting to pounce. Because when I finally regularise my situation, I don't want to be dragging my feet.
Still, I can't help feeling depressed. Or rather feel down, to use the correct term. I don't have time to be depressed. If I choose to go under the duvet now, I'm fucked. Can't afford that. So I'm up and about. Husband and I are having a wonderful New Year - because one must do the best, regardless - cooking, eating, drinking, about to watch Quantum of Solace with friends in a little while. I just need to psyche myself up and call my family. I also need to pray that this will truly be a happy New Year.
Perhaps if I was in the motherland, I would be having a different attitude. And maybe that is the reason why I'm feeling down today because I kind of hoped that I would be there today, finally with my family after many years abroad. But I'm still here.
Sometimes, I wonder if there is any point in doing the right thing; I know the right thing would be to go back, but I'm talking about the next best right thing, i.e. not working, or claiming benefits, or abusing the NHS (it is a good job I'm not a sickling!) or doing any of those things illegal immigrants are accused of doing. The reason why I wonder that is because I have a project that I need to get off the ground, but which I can't because of lack of funds. But the Husband tells me to be patient, and not do anything rash, i.e. work. We don't want to make a bad situation worse, do we? So I'm listening to him, but boy, it is hard. Hard to make plans and be unable to do anything about them. I mean what can be done now, I have done. By the way, it is a business I'm trying to set up, so as far as business plans are concerned, I have done them, just to give me a rough idea of how much money I will need. And the skills that need to be had, I've had them. I'm just developping my product range, and waiting.... Waiting to pounce. Because when I finally regularise my situation, I don't want to be dragging my feet.
Still, I can't help feeling depressed. Or rather feel down, to use the correct term. I don't have time to be depressed. If I choose to go under the duvet now, I'm fucked. Can't afford that. So I'm up and about. Husband and I are having a wonderful New Year - because one must do the best, regardless - cooking, eating, drinking, about to watch Quantum of Solace with friends in a little while. I just need to psyche myself up and call my family. I also need to pray that this will truly be a happy New Year.
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